You know that feeling when you just can’t type, because you are afraid of what might come out of your head on a white paper? It’s not that I can’t type, I just put a block so nothing scary comes out. I hope so some of you reading this have the same problem, so I can have some comfort later on in the comments section. For me is hard to write when I know I will be exposing bad side of myself. It is like I am constantly trying to prove myself I am different. That is because I know different and I work towards it, but I am still sometimes trapped in the mindset I got from my parents and friends while I was growing up. Now, I do not mean they fucked me up or something, is just how it works.
Nowadays is familiar to most people as NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming). If you type those three letters into Google it will come out as a relatively new (1970s) method for therapy, communication or any kind of development. It is true, you can get NLP in any period of your life but the fact is that we get programmed from a very early stage of our lives (prenatal development), basically from being a spermey :) That is the point where our brain cells start developing and every thought and later word from our mother’s mouths and other heroes will form our opinions. I remember l was 11 when we got yellow VW Polo. My neighbours got grey VW Golf 1.4. Neighbour’s daughter was at the time 8 years old and we were of course hanging out a lot, since we lived next door. Now, one day we were in front of our building just playing, when she started bragging about their car. Not in a way a kid would do it, for example ‘it goes faster than yours’, ‘it’s a nicer color’ or some stuff that she is visually able to figure out, but saying what 1.4 does in the words her father would use to brag about it to my father. I also remember myself in the same year using my fathers words in a way he would explain to his friends a certain event or a person. That went on for years, I would say what people want to hear, I would show what people want to see in order to have more ‘friends’. I had the most likes and stuff on FB and myspace and shit, but I realised I’m just searching for the confirmation in wrong place, with wrong people. One lady laughed when I said I will try meditate. She said that’s not for me: that I could never sit still. Well lady, fuck you! I can do whatever I please and at this moment I will fucking meditate on your fingertip if I want…you see I’m full of rage sometimes :) I should meditate full on to chill out. Jokes on side, this lady is a perfect example of a person that I tricked with a painted over picture of me.
Sometimes at the beginning of high school I had my first and up till now my last blog. Of course it was popular to have one. I guess back then we (my friends and me) did not yet figure out what internet can do, so we were writing what ever was on our minds. Then we would get grounded cause we were writing stuff we should not say or think, or who knows what. So I stopped writing because I was not allowed to say everything I want. I was not allowed to be honest. Now, almost 10 years after I decided to start writing again. It is because I love writing, paper can take much more of my bullshit than a living person. And somehow is out of you, at least for a little while. I would say to my mom when she was in a bad place, to write everything down and burn it after if she doesn’t want anyone to see it. That was the first time I saw her smile in months. That smile made me think of hiding from reality, and pretending happiness to others, is easier than just say how we actually feel. Then I realised how sad that is, but never figured that I am doing the same thing; in order to paint a perfect picture about myself. Instead of working on a perfect picture I would like to have in my house and not trying to be exhibited in someone else’s.
Because of that unconscious NLPing I had when I was a kid and later on as a young adolescent I got afraid of sour looks when saying my own thought. Be aware of yourselves in front of your kids, be aware of yourself in front of yourselves. Unconscious NLP is a tricky thing full of judgement and competition.
As I said in the beginning of the blogpost please comfort me with some ‘I have a similar/same story’ type of comments.
…we have to recapitate/investigate our roots before we can grow beyond our inheritance/legacy…Gnothi Seauton…you are both a victim & a victimizer u
ntil you make peace with yourself…further up & further in…^^~~~~
You wrote “please comfort me with some ‘I have a similar/same story’ type of comments.” It took me a while to say that I have a similar story, because I am terrified of being thought imperfect. I left home at 14. I am 67 and the programming is still there ! I have a hard time convincing myself I have something worthwhile to say. Always expecting the recriminations.
I started a journal in college to have a place to put down how I was feeling b/c I didn’t feel I had anyone I could talk to about it. And journaling has helped me over the years to just get the junk out so that I can move on. Wouldn’t want anyone to read it as it was a lot of whining. But writing is a good way to express yourself whether or not you ever share it with someone. As far as being programmed as a child, yes, it does happen, but truthfully, no one hands out a how to manual to new parents. They do the best that they can, and yes, some do it better than others. But I’ve realized that my child perspective turned around things my parents said to me b/c I just didn’t understand. They say one comment off handedly and of course, those are the ones we hold onto. Forgive them if you can b/c we all do the best that we can, even though it could have been better. It also could have been worse. Keep on writing.
Thanks for recently following me. I’ve had some of the same experiences and learned some of the same lessons. I was raised in an Asian/American home, mostly on Air Force Bases throughout the U.S. I silently raged against being female in a male-dominated culture. No asian males except my brothers but my mother had been programmed from a young age. She would later comment it was because of her culture and she didn’t know how to change it although it was wrong to regard females as somehow lesser than males, particularly in the same family.
Children were seen and not heard, particularly since my mother’s english was pretty broken for most of my young life and the little English she learned from my polish relatives just sufficed to make things worse. By nature, I was an obedient child and my mother would test that to its natural limits with the beatings that ensued from her frustrations in a foreign culture and isolation and abandonment in an abusive marriage. I would escape many of the traps my parent’s walked in but now that my kids are grown they shared something with me that hurt but was honest and I’ve always taught them to be open with me. We were at a restaurant having lunch and I commented how nice it was to have my kids out with me and enjoying each other. My son, John, expressed that many of the reasons they endure the trials in their life and make the choices they have made are because I taught them to be obedient. I was not the abuser my parents were and yet somehow I taught them to be like me…obedient.
I have been where you are and suffered within the educational system. I pursued my plans for an education and my mother celebrated that because her illiteracy held her back, and us with her. I would endure the same abusive marriage she did and when I went for support, she failed me. She was disappointed that I ended up divorced like herself. She didn’t see the perseverance it took to be in the ‘system’ and not play the politics. The costs were high but i would pay them again. I did receive my Bachelor’s in Nursing and worked in the field for a few years before I had kids, but I continued to beat a different drum. I entered the field to help others, but the power struggles and politics always ended up getting me labeled as “intimidating”. This was always balanced with another viewpoint from my patient’s and other co-workers who struggled to have their voice heard. I was the Voice and also the Scapegoat. I had the naive assumption that health care workers were really interested in the welfare of others, but found it was all about money and power and less about the patient’s rights. The hierarchical system always left us at the bottom and many found it convenient to use the little power they felt they had to stomp on those we cared for….patients.
I played by their rules when I could, I gained the respect of the physicians I worked with but the cost was too high. So I went home. My family was more important, yet somehow I taught them to obey. This is not to say that it’s totally a bad lesson. It has its own blessings, but at times they endured, as I had, longer than they should have. They are learning to rise up and use wisdom in being who they are regardless of what society, groups, rulers and others do or say. It means giving up sometimes what you ‘thought’ was great and choosing instead something others do not value because they choose the power of the crowd, the mob, the money, the advancement. It is more important to me that they be the individual they were created to be, choose to be. That’s not a popularity contest, it’s a conviction. Others don’t always agree and we should not expect them to but I don’t live for the opinions of others. I lay down my life without expectation of gratitude or accolades. I lay it down because it’s who I am. I don’t allow the slang of today to define me and so I don’t necessarily react to it: I do not operate in fear of approval. If I am asked my opinion, I may give it labels don’t really matter. It seems that when the world does not like your opinion that attach a word with the ending “phobe” on it as if that’s the period on the end of the sentence. I do not fear those titles but I would say I have things which do polarize or label me: I am frustrated by complacency and indecision because I find people who stay in the middle are most motivated by the fear and power of others. I do understand how in a world where many are afraid to define themselves for fear of condemnation often find themselves in the same position they feared they would end up….judgement. Opinions are just that and time will tell if the consequences of programming, whether it be by our first authorities, parents, or those we choose to have govern us are a result of grabbing hold of what we were taught or grabbing hold of who we are. Be yourself, but expect that others will do the same and disagree with your opinions. You must always decide what is more important…you or them.
My apologies if this is not what you meant when you said to respond if we had a similar situation. Thanks again for following and feel free to comment. May you find what you’re looking for at the end of your journeys. In Hebrew, it says…’lech lecha”. Go for yourself (implication, is if you go you will find yourself…so take the journey)
I was touched by your honesty in sharing your ups and downs on your life’s journey thus far. You have crossed many boundaries to become a better person. Your comments about the healthcare workers brought an “amen” from my corner, because that is what I concluded about most of them while being the caregiver for my father in two nursing homes in two different states. In fact, wanting others to be aware of the neglect and abuse is what drove me to write my book, http://www.amazon.com/Before-Door-Closes-Daughters-Alcoholic/dp/1490808949/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413821877&sr=8-1&keywords=Judith+Hall+Simon.
Hey there! :) That was an awesome post. There are many people in this world- I guess 3/4 th of the population who go through the same thing. I being one of them. You see those who dare to go against this programming are called rebels. They dare to think and act differently and thus are looked down upon. But if you see closely they don’t care at all. They are happy the way they are and they are basically the revolutionary people of any times. You have managed to take a big step you know? You, my friend, have realized that you are made to act in a way you don’t like. All you have to decide is if you are ok with it? If you want to carry on like that? Or do you want to change that fact. I go through a similar thing everyday. Everyone, including my best friends and family don’t know even 1% about me. It is sad but after reading your post I guess I should thank you. You have given me something to think about :) I wish you best ( by the way who said you can’t meditate :P you were meditating while writing your post )
It sounds like what you are describing is akin to when a writer finds their own voice. You know, how you not only have to separate yourself from the cacophony that is created by the voices of others, but also the cacophony that is created by what you believe you know about yourself. The inner cacophony is an interesting one, it exists because we have not ordered ourselves. It’s there because we know a thing outside of the guiding logic of language. As we sit down and write, or speak to God, we go into that inner cacophony and we begin to make sense of it. We find out what it is in terms of many things, like in relation to our parents or having to do with the springing forth of our emotions. Yeah, we begin to know ourselves, and language is our most valuable tool in the endeavor.
It’s a long journey to self-knowledge, and the self that we think we are reaching will always be strangely connected to that inner cacophony. It won’t remain the same. As it changes the voice we have discovered doesn’t necessarily change with it, unless we are open to that kind of continual self-evolution. So we tend to progress in stages. If we are lucky we find something like Jung’s concept of archetypes, or the understanding of introversion vs extroversion to help us. If we aren’t then we will likely only see some things in retrospect, what we once were and not necessarily who we now are.
Anyway, thanks for following me. I like what you have to say.
I feel you. People’s unfiltered thoughts are antagonizing, cruel and downright scary at times. Without the filtering of our thoughts, our inner monsters and demons can be unleashed. Psychological blocks are self-constructed in order to avoid the pain of being a monster. Think back to Dr. Frankenstein’s creature: isolated and abject. No body wishes for that now do they?
what I think / what I say 
very fascinating, and so true
Thank you for following and opening the door to your world! Eddie
LikeLiked by 1 person
LikeLiked by 1 person
” ‘Ya ahun.” That’s what my mother always said to acknowledge in the few words.
LikeLike
…we have to recapitate/investigate our roots before we can grow beyond our inheritance/legacy…Gnothi Seauton…you are both a victim & a victimizer u
ntil you make peace with yourself…further up & further in…^^~~~~
LikeLike
Know thyself indeed :)
LikeLike
keep writing! keep reading! keep posting! never stop traveling! you will find us awaiting further up & further in forever beyond boundaries! ^^~~~~
LikeLike
You wrote “please comfort me with some ‘I have a similar/same story’ type of comments.” It took me a while to say that I have a similar story, because I am terrified of being thought imperfect. I left home at 14. I am 67 and the programming is still there ! I have a hard time convincing myself I have something worthwhile to say. Always expecting the recriminations.
LikeLike
Brilliantly familiar in a parallel universe w/ dysmorphic mirrors sort of way…and yet I see myself clearly.
LikeLike
You hit the nail on the head. and writing definitely helps
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Happiness, Health and Hypnosis and commented:
This links in nicely with the post I wrote earlier…
LikeLike
I started a journal in college to have a place to put down how I was feeling b/c I didn’t feel I had anyone I could talk to about it. And journaling has helped me over the years to just get the junk out so that I can move on. Wouldn’t want anyone to read it as it was a lot of whining. But writing is a good way to express yourself whether or not you ever share it with someone. As far as being programmed as a child, yes, it does happen, but truthfully, no one hands out a how to manual to new parents. They do the best that they can, and yes, some do it better than others. But I’ve realized that my child perspective turned around things my parents said to me b/c I just didn’t understand. They say one comment off handedly and of course, those are the ones we hold onto. Forgive them if you can b/c we all do the best that we can, even though it could have been better. It also could have been worse. Keep on writing.
LikeLike
Interesting blog – and topic! thanks for following mine.
LikeLike
Hello,
Loved your blog post on “your mother programmed you”. I guess writing is your form of meditation, :) Have a wonderful day!
LikeLike
Thanks for recently following me. I’ve had some of the same experiences and learned some of the same lessons. I was raised in an Asian/American home, mostly on Air Force Bases throughout the U.S. I silently raged against being female in a male-dominated culture. No asian males except my brothers but my mother had been programmed from a young age. She would later comment it was because of her culture and she didn’t know how to change it although it was wrong to regard females as somehow lesser than males, particularly in the same family.
Children were seen and not heard, particularly since my mother’s english was pretty broken for most of my young life and the little English she learned from my polish relatives just sufficed to make things worse. By nature, I was an obedient child and my mother would test that to its natural limits with the beatings that ensued from her frustrations in a foreign culture and isolation and abandonment in an abusive marriage. I would escape many of the traps my parent’s walked in but now that my kids are grown they shared something with me that hurt but was honest and I’ve always taught them to be open with me. We were at a restaurant having lunch and I commented how nice it was to have my kids out with me and enjoying each other. My son, John, expressed that many of the reasons they endure the trials in their life and make the choices they have made are because I taught them to be obedient. I was not the abuser my parents were and yet somehow I taught them to be like me…obedient.
I have been where you are and suffered within the educational system. I pursued my plans for an education and my mother celebrated that because her illiteracy held her back, and us with her. I would endure the same abusive marriage she did and when I went for support, she failed me. She was disappointed that I ended up divorced like herself. She didn’t see the perseverance it took to be in the ‘system’ and not play the politics. The costs were high but i would pay them again. I did receive my Bachelor’s in Nursing and worked in the field for a few years before I had kids, but I continued to beat a different drum. I entered the field to help others, but the power struggles and politics always ended up getting me labeled as “intimidating”. This was always balanced with another viewpoint from my patient’s and other co-workers who struggled to have their voice heard. I was the Voice and also the Scapegoat. I had the naive assumption that health care workers were really interested in the welfare of others, but found it was all about money and power and less about the patient’s rights. The hierarchical system always left us at the bottom and many found it convenient to use the little power they felt they had to stomp on those we cared for….patients.
I played by their rules when I could, I gained the respect of the physicians I worked with but the cost was too high. So I went home. My family was more important, yet somehow I taught them to obey. This is not to say that it’s totally a bad lesson. It has its own blessings, but at times they endured, as I had, longer than they should have. They are learning to rise up and use wisdom in being who they are regardless of what society, groups, rulers and others do or say. It means giving up sometimes what you ‘thought’ was great and choosing instead something others do not value because they choose the power of the crowd, the mob, the money, the advancement. It is more important to me that they be the individual they were created to be, choose to be. That’s not a popularity contest, it’s a conviction. Others don’t always agree and we should not expect them to but I don’t live for the opinions of others. I lay down my life without expectation of gratitude or accolades. I lay it down because it’s who I am. I don’t allow the slang of today to define me and so I don’t necessarily react to it: I do not operate in fear of approval. If I am asked my opinion, I may give it labels don’t really matter. It seems that when the world does not like your opinion that attach a word with the ending “phobe” on it as if that’s the period on the end of the sentence. I do not fear those titles but I would say I have things which do polarize or label me: I am frustrated by complacency and indecision because I find people who stay in the middle are most motivated by the fear and power of others. I do understand how in a world where many are afraid to define themselves for fear of condemnation often find themselves in the same position they feared they would end up….judgement. Opinions are just that and time will tell if the consequences of programming, whether it be by our first authorities, parents, or those we choose to have govern us are a result of grabbing hold of what we were taught or grabbing hold of who we are. Be yourself, but expect that others will do the same and disagree with your opinions. You must always decide what is more important…you or them.
My apologies if this is not what you meant when you said to respond if we had a similar situation. Thanks again for following and feel free to comment. May you find what you’re looking for at the end of your journeys. In Hebrew, it says…’lech lecha”. Go for yourself (implication, is if you go you will find yourself…so take the journey)
LikeLike
I was touched by your honesty in sharing your ups and downs on your life’s journey thus far. You have crossed many boundaries to become a better person. Your comments about the healthcare workers brought an “amen” from my corner, because that is what I concluded about most of them while being the caregiver for my father in two nursing homes in two different states. In fact, wanting others to be aware of the neglect and abuse is what drove me to write my book, http://www.amazon.com/Before-Door-Closes-Daughters-Alcoholic/dp/1490808949/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413821877&sr=8-1&keywords=Judith+Hall+Simon.
LikeLike
Hey there! :) That was an awesome post. There are many people in this world- I guess 3/4 th of the population who go through the same thing. I being one of them. You see those who dare to go against this programming are called rebels. They dare to think and act differently and thus are looked down upon. But if you see closely they don’t care at all. They are happy the way they are and they are basically the revolutionary people of any times. You have managed to take a big step you know? You, my friend, have realized that you are made to act in a way you don’t like. All you have to decide is if you are ok with it? If you want to carry on like that? Or do you want to change that fact. I go through a similar thing everyday. Everyone, including my best friends and family don’t know even 1% about me. It is sad but after reading your post I guess I should thank you. You have given me something to think about :) I wish you best ( by the way who said you can’t meditate :P you were meditating while writing your post )
LikeLiked by 1 person
It sounds like what you are describing is akin to when a writer finds their own voice. You know, how you not only have to separate yourself from the cacophony that is created by the voices of others, but also the cacophony that is created by what you believe you know about yourself. The inner cacophony is an interesting one, it exists because we have not ordered ourselves. It’s there because we know a thing outside of the guiding logic of language. As we sit down and write, or speak to God, we go into that inner cacophony and we begin to make sense of it. We find out what it is in terms of many things, like in relation to our parents or having to do with the springing forth of our emotions. Yeah, we begin to know ourselves, and language is our most valuable tool in the endeavor.
It’s a long journey to self-knowledge, and the self that we think we are reaching will always be strangely connected to that inner cacophony. It won’t remain the same. As it changes the voice we have discovered doesn’t necessarily change with it, unless we are open to that kind of continual self-evolution. So we tend to progress in stages. If we are lucky we find something like Jung’s concept of archetypes, or the understanding of introversion vs extroversion to help us. If we aren’t then we will likely only see some things in retrospect, what we once were and not necessarily who we now are.
Anyway, thanks for following me. I like what you have to say.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We all sound like our parents at some stage but we grow up eventually and know our own thoughts
LikeLike
I guess I started growing up :)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel you. People’s unfiltered thoughts are antagonizing, cruel and downright scary at times. Without the filtering of our thoughts, our inner monsters and demons can be unleashed. Psychological blocks are self-constructed in order to avoid the pain of being a monster. Think back to Dr. Frankenstein’s creature: isolated and abject. No body wishes for that now do they?
LikeLike
You express things wonderfully. I love the way you write <3 xx
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person