You know that feeling when you just can’t type, because you are afraid of what might come out of your head on a white paper? It’s not that I can’t type, I just put a block so nothing scary comes out. I hope so some of you reading this have the same problem, so I can have some comfort later on in the comments section. For me is hard to write when I know I will be exposing bad side of myself. It is like I am constantly trying to prove myself I am different. That is because I know different and I work towards it, but I am still sometimes trapped in the mindset I got from my parents and friends while I was growing up. Now, I do not mean they fucked me up or something, is just how it works.
Nowadays is familiar to most people as NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming). If you type those three letters into Google it will come out as a relatively new (1970s) method for therapy, communication or any kind of development. It is true, you can get NLP in any period of your life but the fact is that we get programmed from a very early stage of our lives (prenatal development), basically from being a spermey :) That is the point where our brain cells start developing and every thought and later word from our mother’s mouths and other heroes will form our opinions. I remember l was 11 when we got yellow VW Polo. My neighbours got grey VW Golf 1.4. Neighbour’s daughter was at the time 8 years old and we were of course hanging out a lot, since we lived next door. Now, one day we were in front of our building just playing, when she started bragging about their car. Not in a way a kid would do it, for example ‘it goes faster than yours’, ‘it’s a nicer color’ or some stuff that she is visually able to figure out, but saying what 1.4 does in the words her father would use to brag about it to my father. I also remember myself in the same year using my fathers words in a way he would explain to his friends a certain event or a person. That went on for years, I would say what people want to hear, I would show what people want to see in order to have more ‘friends’. I had the most likes and stuff on FB and myspace and shit, but I realised I’m just searching for the confirmation in wrong place, with wrong people. One lady laughed when I said I will try meditate. She said that’s not for me: that I could never sit still. Well lady, fuck you! I can do whatever I please and at this moment I will fucking meditate on your fingertip if I want…you see I’m full of rage sometimes :) I should meditate full on to chill out. Jokes on side, this lady is a perfect example of a person that I tricked with a painted over picture of me.
Sometimes at the beginning of high school I had my first and up till now my last blog. Of course it was popular to have one. I guess back then we (my friends and me) did not yet figure out what internet can do, so we were writing what ever was on our minds. Then we would get grounded cause we were writing stuff we should not say or think, or who knows what. So I stopped writing because I was not allowed to say everything I want. I was not allowed to be honest. Now, almost 10 years after I decided to start writing again. It is because I love writing, paper can take much more of my bullshit than a living person. And somehow is out of you, at least for a little while. I would say to my mom when she was in a bad place, to write everything down and burn it after if she doesn’t want anyone to see it. That was the first time I saw her smile in months. That smile made me think of hiding from reality, and pretending happiness to others, is easier than just say how we actually feel. Then I realised how sad that is, but never figured that I am doing the same thing; in order to paint a perfect picture about myself. Instead of working on a perfect picture I would like to have in my house and not trying to be exhibited in someone else’s.
Because of that unconscious NLPing I had when I was a kid and later on as a young adolescent I got afraid of sour looks when saying my own thought. Be aware of yourselves in front of your kids, be aware of yourself in front of yourselves. Unconscious NLP is a tricky thing full of judgement and competition.
As I said in the beginning of the blogpost please comfort me with some ‘I have a similar/same story’ type of comments.