For a better tomorrow…

I hope so you are not expecting any kind of wisdom out of this blog post. Once again, is just something that is bothering me for a long time, so I need to get it out in order to jump onto my next botheration. Also, I did not write for a long time, which does not mean that my mind was not racing for new conclusions of my experiences. It has been around two months since I wrote my first and last blog post, a lot of people liked it, and I must say I was really flabbergasted with the attention it got. I wanted to write straight after, but I did not, as research of botheration was yet to be concluded. Now, I think it is, so lets get started.

Through last couple of months a lot of things happened, or at least one big thing that kind of changed everything. Starting with relationships with my family, friends, then schedule, daily routine, and I guess state of mind when you sum up everything said before.

For past three years I went to a highly respected art academy in Europe. It was really good change, back then for me; stopped partying too much, found focus in what I want to be when I grow up, learned that people WILL try to fuck you over if they have a chance, therefore became more cautious of my surrounding and of course gain a lot of knowledge in the profession I was pursuing. Biggest lesson was about disappointment.

My BA is expected in July 2015, but is not going to happen. Disappointed? Well, I was, and maybe still am (still did not decide, since it was two weeks since the news), but my parents (even tho they say they are not, they) really are.

Disappointment was coming in few fazes before this specific event, so I was just trying to understand why we get disappointed at all? It is a vicious cycle of planning and wanting things fast. Let me explain on my own example as I do not want to say you are doing the same. I plan a lot. But A LOT! When I was 12 years old I said to myself I need to have MA by the time I am 25, by 28 I am already super successful in my job, got married and by 30 I have two kids. WTF was I thinking?!? MA is obviously out of the game, since in 10 days I will be 24 and there is no way I can get both BA and MA in a year. I was really convinced I will be graduating in a year, that not even in one point I thought something wrong might happen with my studies and it did. School system and me had to split up after 17 long years of relationship. I think it was enough from both sides, at least for now. That is second disappointment. Rush planning got me by the balls.

Now, I do not think I cannot do stuff without diploma, since nowadays is so easy to learn in this virtual world and soak up from other living beings not influenced by THE system. I do believe I have big qualities, but I need to force myself to use them to the fullest potential. Why I do not do it? Because I am afraid of being disappointed again. You might have read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho where crystal merchant was also afraid of disappointment, so he did not go after his dreams. Same, I dreamt (better say: planned) so big but I did not properly work towards it. I was doing it for someone else (remember my parents and their disappointment :)). The biggest negative issue in this is that I stop daring to dream and pursue those dreams. At the end of the day it is our choice. Wether we are going to be merchant or the boy in search of his treasure. Should we dare or not to dare to follow our omens?

There is an Eastern European proverb saying it is a long path over the thorns. I say it is long, bloody, painful, draining, depressing; but hey! it is worth it at the end, and I am going to elaborate on that, once it happens :)
Patience is the key I guess.

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Your mother programmed you

You know that feeling when you just can’t type, because you are afraid of what might come out of your head on a white paper? It’s not that I can’t type, I just put a block so nothing scary comes out. I hope so some of you reading this have the same problem, so I can have some comfort later on in the comments section. For me is hard to write when I know I will be exposing bad side of myself. It is like I am constantly trying to prove myself I am different. That is because I know different and I work towards it, but I am still sometimes trapped in the mindset I got from my parents and friends while I was growing up. Now, I do not mean they fucked me up or something, is just how it works.

Nowadays is familiar to most people as NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming). If you type those three letters into Google it will come out as a relatively new (1970s) method for therapy, communication or any kind of development. It is true, you can get NLP in any period of your life but the fact is that we get programmed from a very early stage of our lives (prenatal development), basically from being a spermey :) That is the point where our brain cells start developing and every thought and later word from our mother’s mouths and other heroes will form our opinions. I remember l was 11 when we got yellow VW Polo. My neighbours got grey VW Golf 1.4. Neighbour’s daughter was at the time 8 years old and we were of course hanging out a lot, since we lived next door. Now, one day we were in front of our building just playing, when she started bragging about their car. Not in a way a kid would do it, for example ‘it goes faster than yours’, ‘it’s a nicer color’ or some stuff that she is visually able to figure out, but saying what 1.4 does in the words her father would use to brag about it to my father. I also remember myself in the same year using my fathers words in a way he would explain to his friends a certain event or a person. That went on for years, I would say what people want to hear, I would show what people want to see in order to have more ‘friends’. I had the most likes and stuff on FB and myspace and shit, but I realised I’m just searching for the confirmation in wrong place, with wrong people. One lady laughed when I said I will try meditate. She said that’s not for me: that I could never sit still. Well lady, fuck you! I can do whatever I please and at this moment I will fucking meditate on your fingertip if I want…you see I’m full of rage sometimes :) I should meditate full on to chill out. Jokes on side, this lady is a perfect example of a person that I tricked with a painted over picture of me.

Sometimes at the beginning of high school I had my first and up till now my last blog. Of course it was popular to have one. I guess back then we (my friends and me) did not yet figure out what internet can do, so we were writing what ever was on our minds. Then we would get grounded cause we were writing stuff we should not say or think, or who knows what. So I stopped writing because I was not allowed to say everything I want. I was not allowed to be honest. Now, almost 10 years after I decided to start writing again. It is because I love writing, paper can take much more of my bullshit than a living person. And somehow is out of you, at least for a little while. I would say to my mom when she was in a bad place, to write everything down and burn it after if she doesn’t want anyone to see it. That was the first time I saw her smile in months. That smile made me think of hiding from reality, and pretending happiness to others, is easier than just say how we actually feel. Then I realised how sad that is, but never figured that I am doing the same thing; in order to paint a perfect picture about myself. Instead of working on a perfect picture I would like to have in my house and not trying to be exhibited in someone else’s.

Because of that unconscious NLPing I had when I was a kid and later on as a young adolescent I got afraid of sour looks when saying my own thought. Be aware of yourselves in front of your kids, be aware of yourself in front of yourselves. Unconscious NLP is a tricky thing full of judgement and competition.

As I said in the beginning of the blogpost please comfort me with some ‘I have a similar/same story’ type of comments.