I hope so you are not expecting any kind of wisdom out of this blog post. Once again, is just something that is bothering me for a long time, so I need to get it out in order to jump onto my next botheration. Also, I did not write for a long time, which does not mean that my mind was not racing for new conclusions of my experiences. It has been around two months since I wrote my first and last blog post, a lot of people liked it, and I must say I was really flabbergasted with the attention it got. I wanted to write straight after, but I did not, as research of botheration was yet to be concluded. Now, I think it is, so lets get started.
Through last couple of months a lot of things happened, or at least one big thing that kind of changed everything. Starting with relationships with my family, friends, then schedule, daily routine, and I guess state of mind when you sum up everything said before.
For past three years I went to a highly respected art academy in Europe. It was really good change, back then for me; stopped partying too much, found focus in what I want to be when I grow up, learned that people WILL try to fuck you over if they have a chance, therefore became more cautious of my surrounding and of course gain a lot of knowledge in the profession I was pursuing. Biggest lesson was about disappointment.
My BA is expected in July 2015, but is not going to happen. Disappointed? Well, I was, and maybe still am (still did not decide, since it was two weeks since the news), but my parents (even tho they say they are not, they) really are.
Disappointment was coming in few fazes before this specific event, so I was just trying to understand why we get disappointed at all? It is a vicious cycle of planning and wanting things fast. Let me explain on my own example as I do not want to say you are doing the same. I plan a lot. But A LOT! When I was 12 years old I said to myself I need to have MA by the time I am 25, by 28 I am already super successful in my job, got married and by 30 I have two kids. WTF was I thinking?!? MA is obviously out of the game, since in 10 days I will be 24 and there is no way I can get both BA and MA in a year. I was really convinced I will be graduating in a year, that not even in one point I thought something wrong might happen with my studies and it did. School system and me had to split up after 17 long years of relationship. I think it was enough from both sides, at least for now. That is second disappointment. Rush planning got me by the balls.
Now, I do not think I cannot do stuff without diploma, since nowadays is so easy to learn in this virtual world and soak up from other living beings not influenced by THE system. I do believe I have big qualities, but I need to force myself to use them to the fullest potential. Why I do not do it? Because I am afraid of being disappointed again. You might have read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho where crystal merchant was also afraid of disappointment, so he did not go after his dreams. Same, I dreamt (better say: planned) so big but I did not properly work towards it. I was doing it for someone else (remember my parents and their disappointment :)). The biggest negative issue in this is that I stop daring to dream and pursue those dreams. At the end of the day it is our choice. Wether we are going to be merchant or the boy in search of his treasure. Should we dare or not to dare to follow our omens?
There is an Eastern European proverb saying it is a long path over the thorns. I say it is long, bloody, painful, draining, depressing; but hey! it is worth it at the end, and I am going to elaborate on that, once it happens :)
Patience is the key I guess.